Sunday, March 28, 2004

New truck

I remember buying this really hilarious book way back in the 80's at Spencer's, or some such place. It was called "Real Pissers" and it had a bunch of Far Side-like cartoons about how people's personalities were revealed in how they took a leak. I bought it as a gag birthday gift for one of my fellow busdrivers (the word "colleague" just doesn't seem to fit in this instance) at the airport and I remember that it was so funny that we all got in trouble for laughing so loudly at it in the office. I remember that the book had one cartoon of two men at adjoining urinals, one staring agape at the other's pecker. The caption read "Nosy: the compulsive need to see how the guy next to you is equipped." My favorite though was one where a man, fully clothed, was sitting on the toilet. His hands were down by his sides on the seat and he was supporting himself, legs outstretched like a gymnast. His expression was pure agony and the caption read "Conservative: waits until he has to take a crap, then does both." Even then (86 or 87) I thought damn, that's me!

I bring this up because last week I found myself in the rare (and happy) situation of being able to buy whatever new car I wanted. Tom Abercrombie told me that I could expense my car payment. This is better than having a company vehicle in that I could choose whatever vehicle I wanted. He didn't mention to keep the payment under any particular amount either; hell, I could have bought a car like Mom's or a big Beamer like yours Rob, and been reimbursed for it.

So what did I do? What did I do with this lovely freedom of action, this freedom to buy whatever the hell I wanted?

I bought a Ford F-150.

A used F-150.

A used white F-150.

And this is where you should worry about me. I love it. It's an extended cab styleside pickup. It's got the XLT package of course (like I'm really going to buy myself a fucking work truck) with the "Triton V8" engine. It's a 2003 model and had less than 7,000 miles when I bought it. The only thing I didn't like about it was that the previous owner was obviously a smoker. However, a little Febreze seems to have - if not totally made it disappear - at least make it to where the smell's not really noticeable any more.

It's got 18" aluminum wheels and dark grey cloth interior. Mark, I don't think I'll get the big "dubs" like you put on yours but I'm looking at nerf bars and a chrome billet grille right now. Maybe it's just the white trash coming out in me again but, to me at least, a white pickup practically screams to be personalized. Perhaps I'll get "Coop Man" spelled out across the rear window in big gothic letters . . . Eventually I'll get either a blown-in liner or a fiberglass lid for the bed.

But still, a used white Ford? Why am I so damned conservative? Maybe you guys should have me kidnapped and force me to watch old Monty Python reruns until I become human again.

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