First post
Guys, as a way to acknowledge the obvious, and to put out there how I'm feeling right now, here is an email I just sent to a friend that spells out as best as I can write the emotions swirling around inside me. I would imagine that y'all are going through the same thing.
Hi Kev. I hope you're well.
To get this out of the way, yes I watched the debate last week though I had a hard time concentrating on it. And for what it's worth, I thought Kerry did well, and probably even "won" the debate, inasmuch as anyone could be considered to win in such a scripted format. Hell, I even liked him better afterwards, and felt better about the idea of him being the commander in chief. It looks like Bush's lead in the polls is evaporating too and it should be interesting to see if Rove & Co. will be able to hold off Kerry in this final month of this campaign. So, kudos to your guys.
But . . . I just can't make myself give a damn anymore. All the old websites I used to read obsessively and all the old political manias that used to preoccupy me so just don't interest me right now. Hell, I probably won't even vote next month. I just don't care. It doesn't seem important anymore.
I know you're probably worried about me so I'll tell you what it's like to lose my father. I'm not really emotional by nature so I'm not wailing and rending my hair in public. I like to keep a cool and calm facade and deal with my emotions on the inside. My brothers are all the same too. In fact, many people remarked how all 4 of us were able to keep our composure when we spoke in tribute of my dad at his funeral last weekend. All of his other friends were blubbering and wailing like a bunch of Sicilians. That's how my dad raised us.
It's hard to put into words how I feel on the inside. My closest brush with death before this was when my grandma died 11 years ago. But she was sick for a long time and when her time finally came, it was time. We all had had time to prepare for it, even though when it happened, it still hurt. But it didn't feel like my dad's time. He was only 62 and died of heart failure. I don't understand it. I though he had the strongest heart in the world, being how active he was. This was a man who loved nothing more than driving his grandchildren around his neighborhood on the back of his Harley and who had just celebrated his 62nd birthday 4 months ago by going skydiving. My dad was very much a Teddy Roosevelt "live the vigorous life" type. He taught us (i.e., me and my brothers) to be bold, to be brave, and to always have the courage to look at life with a clear eye. There were few things in life the he had greater contempt for than excessive sentiment or wishful thinking. Though he was undoubtedly a sonofabitch a lot of times, and like all humans was rife with contradictions, he was also in many ways a great man. He was my role model and, though I sometimes hated his guts, I also worshiped the ground under his feet. He was that kind of man.
But as to how I feel, I can't say that the full impact has sunk in on me yet. Everything still feels really surreal to me. I have times when I get emotional and in fact they seem to be occuring more often lately. I think this is probably natural too, so I'm not fighting it. I have a feeling that it would be deeply unhealthy to suppress this so I just let myself give into it in my private moments. I am having trouble concentrating at work too.
The way I phrased how I feel - and one of my brothers agreed with the analogy - is that I feel like somebody has cut me open, cut away some of my guts, and sewed me back up. I feel like I'm "incomplete," if you know what I mean. I also feel like I have just come out of this surgery and the morphine is beginning to wear off. My dominant emotions right now, when I do "get emotional" - are anger and sadness.
I'm still working out regularly and I even attended a Toastmasters meeting in Mobile last week. I did this both as a tribute to my dad, who loved TM, and also as a way to combat the depression that I feel is lurking nearby. When I was active in it here in S.A. I always felt better after a TM meeting no matter how sour I may have felt before I went into it. It's a wonderful organization full of very positive people.
That's how I feel right now. I hope you're well right now, too.
James
P.S. Did you go to the reunion last night? I did not. Kristin Holt, formerly Kris Mayfield, contacted me thru jvalumni.com and tried to change my mind but I told her that though I was flattered she wanted me to go, I would not. Too far, too expensive, and I am in totally the wrong frame of mind to do something like that right now.
Hi Kev. I hope you're well.
To get this out of the way, yes I watched the debate last week though I had a hard time concentrating on it. And for what it's worth, I thought Kerry did well, and probably even "won" the debate, inasmuch as anyone could be considered to win in such a scripted format. Hell, I even liked him better afterwards, and felt better about the idea of him being the commander in chief. It looks like Bush's lead in the polls is evaporating too and it should be interesting to see if Rove & Co. will be able to hold off Kerry in this final month of this campaign. So, kudos to your guys.
But . . . I just can't make myself give a damn anymore. All the old websites I used to read obsessively and all the old political manias that used to preoccupy me so just don't interest me right now. Hell, I probably won't even vote next month. I just don't care. It doesn't seem important anymore.
I know you're probably worried about me so I'll tell you what it's like to lose my father. I'm not really emotional by nature so I'm not wailing and rending my hair in public. I like to keep a cool and calm facade and deal with my emotions on the inside. My brothers are all the same too. In fact, many people remarked how all 4 of us were able to keep our composure when we spoke in tribute of my dad at his funeral last weekend. All of his other friends were blubbering and wailing like a bunch of Sicilians. That's how my dad raised us.
It's hard to put into words how I feel on the inside. My closest brush with death before this was when my grandma died 11 years ago. But she was sick for a long time and when her time finally came, it was time. We all had had time to prepare for it, even though when it happened, it still hurt. But it didn't feel like my dad's time. He was only 62 and died of heart failure. I don't understand it. I though he had the strongest heart in the world, being how active he was. This was a man who loved nothing more than driving his grandchildren around his neighborhood on the back of his Harley and who had just celebrated his 62nd birthday 4 months ago by going skydiving. My dad was very much a Teddy Roosevelt "live the vigorous life" type. He taught us (i.e., me and my brothers) to be bold, to be brave, and to always have the courage to look at life with a clear eye. There were few things in life the he had greater contempt for than excessive sentiment or wishful thinking. Though he was undoubtedly a sonofabitch a lot of times, and like all humans was rife with contradictions, he was also in many ways a great man. He was my role model and, though I sometimes hated his guts, I also worshiped the ground under his feet. He was that kind of man.
But as to how I feel, I can't say that the full impact has sunk in on me yet. Everything still feels really surreal to me. I have times when I get emotional and in fact they seem to be occuring more often lately. I think this is probably natural too, so I'm not fighting it. I have a feeling that it would be deeply unhealthy to suppress this so I just let myself give into it in my private moments. I am having trouble concentrating at work too.
The way I phrased how I feel - and one of my brothers agreed with the analogy - is that I feel like somebody has cut me open, cut away some of my guts, and sewed me back up. I feel like I'm "incomplete," if you know what I mean. I also feel like I have just come out of this surgery and the morphine is beginning to wear off. My dominant emotions right now, when I do "get emotional" - are anger and sadness.
I'm still working out regularly and I even attended a Toastmasters meeting in Mobile last week. I did this both as a tribute to my dad, who loved TM, and also as a way to combat the depression that I feel is lurking nearby. When I was active in it here in S.A. I always felt better after a TM meeting no matter how sour I may have felt before I went into it. It's a wonderful organization full of very positive people.
That's how I feel right now. I hope you're well right now, too.
James
P.S. Did you go to the reunion last night? I did not. Kristin Holt, formerly Kris Mayfield, contacted me thru jvalumni.com and tried to change my mind but I told her that though I was flattered she wanted me to go, I would not. Too far, too expensive, and I am in totally the wrong frame of mind to do something like that right now.
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